


Till I Fall Asleep

by Adictedtobadguys56



Category: The Maze Runner Series - James Dashner
Genre: Alternate Universe - Rock Band, Cancer, Character Death, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Drugs, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Multi, Recreational Drug Use, Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-25
Updated: 2015-10-25
Packaged: 2018-04-28 03:30:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,399
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5076106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Adictedtobadguys56/pseuds/Adictedtobadguys56
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Newt has always loved Thomas, but he is also keeping a secret from the man he loves. Will this secret stay hidden or will it come to light and destory their relationship?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 10:37 P.M. Friday

Everything about the night, thus far, was a blur. There were hundreds, no, thousands of screaming fans at the show. Thomas’ fingers hurt and so did his lungs. No amount of physical preparation ever helped with the after-concert high. From his burning lungs to the buzzing in his legs, it always took a toll on him.

Speaking of Newt, Thomas let his eyes wander over to the blonde who was downing a bottle of water like it was the only thing keeping him alive. It probably was, Thomas knew that the pot, alcohol, and obscene amount of pain meds weren’t helping.

“After party?” Minho asked, clapping his hand down on Thomas shoulder, practically scaring him to death. He turned around to look at Minho, hand covering his mouth, face bright red. Everyone was looking now because, as Newt put it, whenever Thomas was scared he screamed like a little bitch.

“Minho stop that!” Thomas snapped, stepping away from the too muscular bassist. His arms, as Newt put it, were like guns and he was ready to let Minho shoot him just so he could run his tongue over every inch of them. But Minho, to Newt’s great dismay, was taken.

“Sorry dude, Aris just called, we’re going to Scorch for the after party. You ready to go? Or do you still want to sit here and watch Newt drink water? Because, I’m pretty sure you can do that any other time,” Minho teased, throwing his arm around Thomas’ shoulders and walking with him over to Newt.

“Hey you two,” Newt muttered around the bottle. Thomas smiled at his boyfriend, watching as he finished the water and tossed it in the trash.

“Aris said the after party was going to be at Scorch, you ready?” Minho asked, slinging his other arm around Newt so the three of them were sandwiched together.

“I don’t think the Scorch can handle The Mighty Gladers,” Newt joked, snaking his arm around Minho’s waist and kissing his cheek as they made their way towards the changing rooms. All three of them were hot and sweaty, but that didn’t stop them from walking every step together.

“I’ll see you guys on the bus. I didn’t bring anything besides my sticks. I figured that I would be fine until after the show,” Thomas said, waving at Newt and Minho as he walked towards the bus, or tried to, considering the two long, thin arms wrapped around his waist.

“Stay with me Tommy,” Newt almost whined.

“Newt, we don’t have time,” Thomas stated, placing his hands on Newt’s arms. He wanted to pull away from Newt but something in his gut told him not to. Maybe it was the way Newt nuzzled into Thomas neck, or maybe it was because Thomas had seen Newt pop three pills before the show and four after. Thomas didn’t know, but he stayed standing there with Newt draped around him.

“Fine,” Thomas muttered, turning in Newt’s arms to look at him. Newt’s eyes were tired, so tired, Thomas could see that behind the playful smirk Newt had on his lips. Sometimes, Thomas thought he knew Newt better than Newt knew himself. Thomas met Newt and Minho at the same time, at freshman year band camp. Now, they were twenty five, and they were playing sold out shows, with no college experience. They had done it, beaten all the odds, especially Newt.

Newt seemed to have the worst luck ever. Second semester, sophomore year, Newt got into a bad car accident which screwed up his leg, and he was no longer able to do marching band. Then at age twenty two he was diagnosed with stomach cancer, but he had come back. He had come back so strong that he was able to stop chemo last year only two years after he started treatment. Now he could play in the band with Thomas and Minho full time. Newt said it was his dream to make music with his two best friends and here they were, doing exactly that.

With a set list that included songs like Jesus, Why Do You Only Call Me When You're High, and Home, the crowd ate them up. They loved everything that Thomas, Newt, and Minho did. It probably had something to do with the fact that Aris was their band manager, but Thomas wanted to give the credit to Newt. It was Newt’s hard work and determination that had gotten the band together. Honestly, Thomas owed all his success and fame to Newt. Newt was the lead vocals, and the guitarist, while he played drums and Minho picked up bass and background vocals. It was all Newt, as far as Thomas was concerned.

“Good,” Newt said, kissing Thomas on the lips. Thomas let his tongue slide across Newt’s constantly chapped lips before breaking the kiss. Thomas followed Newt into the dressing room that management had given him. It didn’t have much in it, just Newt’s spare set of clothes, a couch, some water and three orange pill bottles.

“How’s your stomach?” Thomas asked, sitting down on the couch and watching as Newt peeled his black skinny jeans off his sweaty body. He was thin, too thin for his own good, but that was a side effect of the cancer. Of course it was in remission, in fact it was gone, to Thomas’ knowledge, but they said Newt would probably never gain weight properly ever again. It was a bleak statement, but it was much better than the alternative.

“Fine,” Newt stated, moving to sit on Thomas’ lap. He placed Thomas’ hands on his cold stomach and smiled. “If you don’t believe me you can always rub it,” Newt suggested before kissing Thomas again. This time he forced his tongue into Thomas’ mouth, making sure that Thomas knew that they would make time for this, right now. Thomas should have run to the bus, because at least there he had a bed. Having sex on a couch was always annoying, but Newt was always hard after a concert. Thomas never understood, but he thought it had something with the rush it gave Newt, the power that came with controlling the youth of a nation with his words.

“Do you even have lube and a condom?” Thomas asked, pushing Newt back by his shoulders. Newt shook his head before leaning back in towards Thomas, who easily kept him from kissing him.

“You know we can’t fuck then,” Thomas stated, firmly. He hated having to be so firm with Newt but, if Newt had it his way, Thomas would just fuck him dry.

“Doesn’t mean you can’t give me a blow job,” Newt teased, pulling away from Thomas and standing up. He pulled down his gray boxer briefs and looked at Thomas expectantly.

“That’s not fair, and you know it,” Thomas groaned, his eyes never leaving Newt’s face. He knew this tactic all too well, it was the “Look I’m naked and my dick’s hard you know you want to do something about it tactic” that usually worked. Key word was usually, because today Thomas wasn’t having any of it. At least that’s what Thomas thought.

“I’ll pay you back, tenfold tonight. Come on Tommy,” Newt begged, straddling Thomas’ lap again and leaning in so that their foreheads were touching. Thomas could practically feel Newt’s desperation radiating off of him, and it wasn’t because Newt’s cock was pressed against his stomach.

“Fine, you owe me,” Thomas started, wrapping his hand around Newt’s cock. “But I’m not getting on my knees. You're going to sit right here, and kiss me while I jack you off. I have to change anyways so why not get this shirt dirty,” Thomas said, a slight grin on his face. Newt’s eyes lit up with joy before they closed.

“God Tommy,” Newt groaned, throwing his head back. He loved how rough Thomas’ hands were. They had calluses on them that made his hand jobs to die for. His hands were rough and his jerks were quick. It was everything Newt couldn’t accomplish on his own, because Thomas was strong and good with his hands. Thomas had to hold his sticks tight so they didn’t go flying when he played and that’s how he treated Newt’s cock. He treated it like it needed to be held onto or it would go flying away. It was just the right amount of pressure.

“Shut up and kiss me,” Thomas demanded, taking his free hand and using it to pull Newt to him. Their lips crashed and teeth scraped against teeth as they struggled for dominance. Thomas finally won, after giving Newt’s cock a particularly hard squeeze, which caused Newt to moan and buck his hips.

Newt didn’t care that Thomas was leading the kiss, or that his legs were hurting, all he cared about was the fact that his head was spinning with pleasure. It was spinning like a merry-go-round at turbo speed. It was spinning at a speed that made him question if he was even sitting up anymore.

“Shit Newt!” Thomas snapped, breaking the kiss as Newt’s ecstasy boiled over. “You were supposed to tell me,” he complained, looking down at his shirt. Granted, Thomas didn’t really care about the sperm on his shirt, he just wasn’t ready, that’s all.

“S-Sorry,” Newt gasped, trying to catch his breath. He reached up, grabbing Thomas shoulders for support. The room was still spinning and he needed his rock to hold him until it passed. His chest was rising and falling quickly as he struggled to get his breath back, a sinking feeling developing in his chest. “Fuck,” He groaned before stumbling back off Thomas and groping for a water bottle.

Thomas could do nothing but watch as Newt dumped the full water bottle on his head. He had learned very early on that Newt refused help from anyone. He even resented doctors and his parents for helping him through everything. Honestly, Thomas thought this was Newt’s biggest hubris.

“Maybe you should go ahead and change,” Thomas suggested, standing up, grabbing Newt’s dry clothes and taking them to him. Newt nodded, taking slow deep breaths. Shaking hands peeled off his shirt before tossing it to the ground and attempting to replace it with the black one Thomas was trying to hand him. After a small struggle with the shirt, Newt pulled on his new pair of boxer briefs and his dark blue stone washed skinny jeans.

“Thanks Tommy,” Newt muttered, leaning against Thomas as he shoved his feet down into his black Docs.

“No problem,” Thomas said as he wrapped a strong arm around Newt’s waist, holding him steady. Newt closed his eyes and leaned back into Thomas, taking slow, deep breaths. He was tried, and it was pretty obvious with the way he rested entirely on Thomas.

“You ready to head back to the bus?” Newt asked, pushing off of Thomas and steadying himself. He felt sick to his stomach, but he wasn’t about to let that stop him from having the time of his life. After all, when you have stomach cancer you tend to always feel sick to your stomach.

“Yeah. Are any of these bottles good for your pain?” Thomas asked, grabbing them and looking at each label carefully.

“No,” Newt muttered, standing perfectly still as he waited for Thomas to return to him.

“Well, when we get back you can take something,” Thomas said, grabbing Newt by the waist and helping him back to the bus.

“It took the two of you long enough!” Aris exclaimed, standing up. “Honestly I don’t get why you even went with him Thomas. You knew this was going to happen so-”

“Shuck it Aris,” Thomas snapped, helping Newt to the couch and then vanishing to grab him a few different pill bottles. Thomas never knew what Newt was thinking when it came to his pills, all he knew was that he would take maybe two of the blue ones and one of the white ones on a bad day, so he grabbed any that were blue or white and brought them to Newt.

“You-” Minho stopped as soon as Thomas walked into the room, looking down at his hands before standing up with a huge grin. “It doesn’t matter that they are late, all that matters is we are off to The Scorch. I hear Alby’s DJing tonight,” Minho said, looking at Newt who just smiled.

“Good that. Hear he’s gotten pretty big since we left for tour,” Newt muttered, reading the bottles before choosing two different white pills and two of the blue ones he was always popping like candy. He handed them back to Thomas and went to get water.

“Yeah and apparently Harriet and Sonya work as his bouncers,” Minho stated, watching Newt walk into the kitchen.

“Good for them. They still-”

“Together?”

“Yep. So are Brenda and Teresa,” Minho explained.

“You know we are just a group of gay ass motherfuckers,” Newt explained, before downing half the bottle along with his pills. Minho rolled his eyes, but he wasn’t wrong. Everyone had ended up in some type of gay relationship, except for Alby who wanted to be alone and make music.

“Do you think Gally and Ben will be there?” Thomas asked, almost a little uneasy. Gally and Ben had always been Minho’s friends but the three of them didn’t get along at all. Especially since he opened his mouth, according to Gally himself.

“Probably,” Minho said with a shrug.

“Fuck,” Thomas muttered scooting over so Newt had more room on the couch to lay on his lap.

“Cheer up Tommy, I’ll keep you so preoccupied that you won’t even notice they are there,” He announced, with a smile. Thomas smiled, reaching down to play with Newt’s long blonde hair. It had really grown a lot since he had stopped the chemo.

“Fine, but if I even notice them I’m going to make sure you pay,” Thomas joked making Newt chuckle.

“Deal,” Newt said.

The club was two stories with four dance floors. There were two on each story, and Alby was in charge of the main dance floor on level one. It was a huge upgrade since they had last seen him.

They hadn’t even been there five minutes and Gally had already shown his ugly face. Thomas groaned as he moved to rest his head on Newt’s shoulder.

“It’s okay Tommy, just ignore ‘im” Newt stated, carding his fingers through Thomas’ brown hair before sliding his arms around Thomas waist.

“Well look at you two, still mixing it up backstage?” Alby asked, after coming out from his DJ stand. He had passed it off to Jeff who was currently mixing S&M and Skin by Rihanna. Sounded kind of hot if you asked Thomas.

“Yeah,” Newt said holding his hand out to shake Alby’s hand. Alby smiled before shaking Newt’s hand and patting Thomas on the shoulder.

“You're still ugly as fuck, you know that?” Alby asked, making Thomas roll his eyes.

“Yeah I know. I’m ugly as fuck and Newt’s still the best looking person in the goddamn room, right?” Thomas joked with Alby who flashed him a smile and nodded, leading them from the room into the office.

“You got it?” Newt asked once the door was closed. Alby rolled his eyes before pulling the small bag from his pocket and handing it to Newt who smiled happily.

“I still don’t see why you give him drugs if your straight edge,” Thomas muttered watching Newt clear a space to snort the white powder.

“It makes him happy,” Alby muttered softly, watching Newt kneel down before his god. Everyone had noticed Newt had a problem, but Thomas didn’t fault him for the problem. He had almost died, and life was too short to make him stop trying to live it, so Thomas didn’t. He stood behind Newt, holding his hair out of his face when he needed to puke, and he even learned to carry straws around with him when they went to clubs so Newt could do just this.

“Straw?” Thomas asked, pulling one from his pocket and handing it to Newt. Newt took it and set up his line before leaning forward and taking it in one go. His eyes watered and he shook his head, but it was nothing they hadn’t seen before.

“Thanks Tommy. Thanks Alby. You two are the best,” Newt muttered happily still trying to get the rest of the powder down.

“What did you give him?” Thomas asked.

“Speed,” Newt and Alby said at the same time. Thomas sighed, at least he knew how to handle this one. He had seen Newt high on many drugs but Speed was the easiest for Thomas to deal with, because Newt just wanted to dance with him and drag him everywhere he could.

“So we going to dance then?” Thomas asked, looking at Newt.

“Yep,” Newt said, standing up, and pushing his hair out of his face. Thomas smiled as Newt walked behind him and encased his waist with his arms. This is where Thomas belonged and Newt was well aware of that.

“Come on love,” Newt coaxed, kissing Thomas before steering him towards the door. Thomas glanced back at Alby to say bye but only saw him looking at the floor with a solemn look. It was weird, because Alby wasn’t one to be upset, so he stopped Newt.

“Newt, shouldn’t you spend a little more time with Alby? You two were best friends and all. Well, I guess you still are…” Thomas trailed off looking at Newt who was looking at Alby. Thomas pulled away and turned to Newt. “Go catch up, I’m going to go see Minho and Aris, okay?” Thomas whispered, giving Newt a little push. Newt looked at Thomas and nodded before turning to walk back into the room.

Thomas made his way back out on the dance floor and looked around for Minho and Aris. Of course, he found them at one of the tables next to the dance floor. Aris seemed to be trying to get Minho to dance with him, but with very little luck.

“Hey,” Thomas called, walking over.

“Finally, someone to dance with,” Aris exclaimed, grabbing Thomas hand and leading him to the dance floor without another word. Thomas didn’t feel like protesting, he just followed Aris to the center of the floor and pulled him close.

“You think Minho’s going to come steal you away from me?” Thomas asked.

“Nah, he’s being a spoilsport. He said he doesn't feel like being here, so I’m going to dance with you. Him and Gally kind of got into it while you were with Alby,” Aris explained as he danced with Thomas. Honestly, neither of them were very good, but Aris went for it. Aris never did anything half assed and that’s something Thomas could respect about him.

“That sucks,” Thomas called, over the music, as best as he could. The song Partition by Beyoncé had come on as he rocked against Aris.

“Yeah, but fuck ‘em! I’m here to have fun and if he doesn’t want to then I don’t care. I can have fun with you,” He shouted, grinding on Thomas’ body.

“Shit,” Thomas muttered once Aris came back up. “We’re taken,” He stated.

“I know. But we can still have fun. Besides your boy isn’t even here,” Aris added. Thomas rolled his eyes before explaining to Aris that Newt was talking to Alby.

“Well I’m sure it’s nothing bad. Maybe Alby’s having it hard. Who knows? Let’s just dance while we wait,” Airs shouted, slinging his arms around Thomas’ neck and pressing a little closer to him, smiling brightly. Aris was something else, but Thomas had to admit the shorter boy knew how to have fun.

“Fine,” Thomas agreed, starting to grind back against Aris whose face lit up at the contact and closeness.

The two of them danced to three, maybe four songs. Thomas didn’t know because they all blended into each other like songs do in movie sequences when someone is dreaming or remembering something happy from the past. This was a happy moment so the blurring of the songs was very appropriate, or so Thomas thought. Finally he felt the familiar warmth of Newt against his back, his body rocking happily against his. Thomas let go of Aris and turned around to face Newt. He was smiling but his eyes were red.

“Newt?” Thomas asked.

“Can’t hear you Tommy,” Newt called, his voice shaky.

“You okay?” Thomas asked, pressing his face close to Newt’s so he had no problem hearing him.

“Yeah. Just stupid stuff. Let's dance!” He urged turning Thomas around so that he could face Aris again. Quickly the two of them teamed up on Thomas. With Aris going down on him in front, and Newt constantly nibbling on his neck, Thomas was getting ready to pop a boner, or lose his head, either really worked. Thomas finally turned around to face Newt and locked his lips with the blonde as he reached to grab Newt through his jeans. Newt groaned into his mouth, thrusting into Thomas’ hand as he pulled Thomas’ tongue into his mouth.

“Newt,” Thomas moaned into the kiss as he moved his hand and let Newt thrust against his groin. The two bulges rubbing against each other as they pressed a little closer and swayed to the song Fireworks. It wasn’t the best song for the situation, but it was a good song.

“I fuckin’ love you,” Newt moaned, kissing Thomas neck again, this time stopping to suck a purple hickie into the delicate skin. Thomas groaned, tilting his head to the side, making sure to give Newt the proper access he needed, because that’s how the world would know that Thomas belonged to Newt.

“God, look at them go,” Minho said, finally joining the party. Thomas turned around so that he was now grinding against Newt with his ass. Aris was doing the same to Minho, who was obviously enjoying it. Thomas reached out grabbing Aris and pulling him so they were chest to chest.

“Is this what you meant by fun?” Thomas asked, breathlessly. Aris nodded, leaning his head back onto Minho’s chest as he closed his eyes, Minho’s hand pulling at Aris hair making the smaller male moan. Thomas smiled only to find that Newt had gotten the same idea and pulled Thomas’ hair. Thomas almost choked on his own spit trying to moan out. That stopped all the fun right then and there as all three turned to him trying to see if he was okay.

“I’m fine,” Thomas cried, but the mood was ruined. The four of them made a trip back to one of the empty tables and sat down. Thomas leaned his head on Newt’s shoulder as Minho and Aris went to get them drinks.

“I love you,” Thomas called over the music.

“I love you too,” Newt echoed, leaning in to kiss him. Newt really seemed to be down from his high, which made Thomas a little sad. Even if it wasn’t good for Newt, a high Newt was a happy Newt and that made Thomas happy.

The kiss was soft and smooth, not like the ones from the dance floor. Newt wasn’t just coming down he was crashing. This had to have been hell for him. Some emotional conversation with Alby that had led to him crying and then Thomas almost choking on his own spit, this had to suck. Minho and Aris set down two screwdrivers for Thomas and Newt, but they were too preoccupied exploring each other’s mouths to really notice.

“You two better drink the drinks,” Minho said pulling Newt away from Thomas and turning his head to the liquid.

“Nah, my stomach hurts,” Newt complained leaning against Thomas shoulder. Thomas looked at him but sipped on his drink as Aris and Minho talked and drank their drinks. They were flirting, hardcore and it didn’t really occur to Thomas until Newt started to nibble on his neck once again.

“Hurry up, I want to go back to the hotel,” Newt growled before finally sitting up and looking at Thomas. Thomas nodded, not wanting to disappoint his boyfriend. He downed his drink before setting it on the table.

“We’re ready,” Thomas said. Aris and Minho turned to look at them only to find that Newt had started sucking on Thomas’ neck again.

“Fine, we’ll head out but no fucking in the limo, got it?” Aris asked.

“Yeah sure, whatever you say,” Thomas agreed as the four of them made their way to the limo.


	2. 2:37 A.M. Saturday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Newt and Thomas spend the rest of the night together in bed. Making love and talking.

Thomas groaned, feeling Newt press him into the bedroom door. The group had gotten a large loft at a nice hotel. It had two bedrooms, which was perfect because Newt and Thomas got one while Minho and Aris got the other.

“Relax,” Newt muttered, wrapping his arms around Thomas’ waist, delicately. Thomas was a little confused, after all, they spent the entire night bumping and grinding between hot passionate kisses. Each and every time they kissed Thomas just felt more and more of that animalistic desire, the one that told him to push Newt down right there and take him. He wanted Newt so bad, but that didn’t seem to be how Newt wanted this to go.

“Slow?” Thomas asked, looking at Newt who was playing with the hem of Thomas shirt.

“Like our first time,” Newt explained, looking up at Thomas with a smile. Thomas couldn’t help but feel kind of excited about this slow thing. The two of them hadn’t really made love in maybe two or three months. After every show they were either too tired, or too horny to think about the emotions.

“Just like our first time? You know because I remember there being a lot of cussing and me not being able to stay in you and you laughing and-” Newt pressed his lips to Thomas softly, his hand gripping Thomas’ shoulders as he silenced him.

“No,” He said. “Just the emotion. The raw love and passion, you in me, me looking at you, muttering how much we love each other,” Newt whispered, cupping Thomas face. Thomas couldn’t help but feel a little overwhelmed by Newt’s sappy actions. It’s not like Newt wasn’t a sap, they both had their points, but Thomas was more of the sappy one. Thomas was the one who bought Newt flowers. Thomas was the one who would take Newt’s hands before a concert and look straight into his eyes and tell him that he loved him. It was always Thomas, hardly ever Newt, especially since Newt had finished with chemo. Before the chemo, and after the car accident, Newt had become clingy. He held fast to Thomas and made sure that Thomas knew he loved him, because he was scared. Newt knew that at any moment he could go, and he didn’t want Thomas to think he hadn’t loved him. Hell, Newt had even written Thomas a letter and told him to open it at his death. It had been a beautiful letter that Newt let him read after he had his last day of chemo.

“Please, Tommy. Please…” Newt muttered, brushing his lips across each fingertip on Thomas left hand.

“You sure you aren’t too tired?” Thomas asked, pulling his hand free and moving it to Newt’s waist. Newt just smiled and gave a soft nod.

“I’m sure Tommy,” He said, leaning forward and kissing Thomas again. Thomas could feel the need behind the softness. It was like Newt was begging for this, and Thomas wasn’t going to disappoint him. He was going to do everything in his power to make sure that Newt got what he wanted.

“Okay,” Thomas muttered, before breaking the kiss to pick Newt up. In all honestly he should have thought that through because it didn’t work as planned, Newt kicked the wall and Thomas had to apologize because it was his bad leg.

“No it’s fine,” Newt muttered, gripping Thomas tight. He didn’t like being picked up, never had, but this was a gesture of love. This was something he was going to let Thomas do, because even if he didn’t trust himself he trusted Thomas. He trusted Thomas with his life, and that’s why he was letting him hold him like this.

The trip to the bed was short, and Thomas dropped Newt down as gently as he could, but of course, it wasn’t very gentle. Newt bounced a little and Thomas almost fell on him in the process, but the two laughed. Newt reached up, and pulled Thomas to him so they could kiss. With Thomas on top of him Newt was able to wrap his legs around Thomas’ left one and pull it closer, something he had always done when they cuddled or lay together. But, this time it was during the kiss because he wanted the closeness.

“Tommy,” Newt gasped, feeling Thomas snake his hands up his thin shirt. Thomas looked at him with a sweet smile as he pulled the shirt away from Newt. His lips now trailing down his neck to his chest.

“I love you,” Thomas muttered into the warm white flesh as he continued to kiss down to his stomach where he stopped. He took a moment to look at the flat surface before him, his eyes traveling back up to look at Newt’s exposed ribs, before looking down at Newt’s protruding hips.

“You are amazing,” Thomas muttered softly, “Absolutely fucking amazing. You're the most beautiful person on the face of this planet,” he said firmly, before moving to straddle Newt’s hips so he could run his hands along each and every rib. He counted each one until he got to twenty four, which meant Newt was just as normal as the next person.

“Not like you Thomas,” Newt finally said, grabbing at Thomas’ hand. He had always been self-conscious about the weight he had lost because of his cancer. Even now, it was hard for him to put on weight. He was never hungry, and when he did eat, it wasn’t much, but he drank a lot. He drank water and alcohol, and whatever he could to make that hungry feeling vanish, because food made him sick. Food made him vomit, and he hated that feeling, almost as much as the tiredness and the pain.

“Shh,” Thomas whispered, giving Newt’s hand a soft squeeze. “Now’s not the time for that. Lay there, relax, and let me take care of you. I love you Newt, so let me show you how much I love you okay?” Thomas asked.

“Fine,” Newt said softly as he closed his eyes. Thomas smiled, as he looked down at Newt, laying there looking like an angel who had been through hell and back, but he had come out on top. He was still here with Thomas, and that was an amazing feat. One year, they had been together without fear of cancer for a whole year, because the chemo had worked. Tomorrow, would be their last day on tour, and tomorrow they would be able to go home and work on music for their next tour.

“Newt, I love you,” Thomas murmured, leaning over and kissing Newt’s lips. It was just some soft lip contact, but it was nice. It wasn’t something they had to fight over, because there was no tongue, just lip on lip. The two of them just wanted to touch, and feel connected, and that was what the kiss was. It was them becoming connected.

Newt pulled back a little to look up at Thomas. He searched the amber eyes for any sign of a lie, but as always, there wasn’t any. Thomas was telling him the truth, and it was beautiful, the way his eyes glowed in the moonlight that spilled in through the window.

“Let’s get naked,” Newt finally said, wiggling under Thomas until Thomas removed himself from Newt. The two stripped out of their clothes, Newt moved back to the bed, and Thomas grabbed the condom and lube.

The two came back together with Newt laying on his back and Thomas perching between Newt’s legs. He set the lube and condom on the bed as he leaned down and placed a few kisses along Newt’s happy trail. This made Newt smile, as he reached down and gripped Thomas hair lightly, letting Thomas know he was still here. He wanted him to know that he was still awake, still alive, still breathing.

“I love you,” Thomas said again, sitting up and watching Newt’s hand return to his side.

“I love you too, Tommy,” Newt replied looking up at him with a soft smile. It was a nice sight, in comparison to the cheeky smirk Thomas always got.

With the soft I love you’s out of the way Thomas set to lubing Newt’s ass. He wanted to make sure that there was no pain, so he may have fingered his ass and stretched Newt till he came with a quiet moan of pleasure.

“Beautiful,” Thomas muttered, finally removing his fingers. He leaned over Newt and kissed his open mouth. Newt quickly reached up and grabbed at Thomas with shaky and feverish hands. He needed to hold onto him, because he felt like he was fading between reality and a state of pure bliss that was almost a scary thing. He needed to be grounded, and that’s what Thomas was going to do for him.

“N-now, please,” Newt gasped as he struggled to get his breath. Thomas sat up, taking Newt’s hand and looking at him with concern, he shouldn’t have been so winded.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m fine. Thomas fuck me!” Newt snapped, ripping his hand away from Thomas. “I need you inside me now, please Tommy, please!” Newt begged closing his eyes as tears spilled forth.

“Shit!” Thomas exclaimed, quickly crawling over next to Newt. He pulled him up so that Newt’s head was resting on his shoulder as he cried.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” Newt choked out between sobs. He draped his arms around Thomas weakly as he continued to cry. His chest rose and fell quickly as the tears continued to fall down his face. He was in so much pain and pleasure that everything had finally just hit him. It had accumulated into one point and after he finally orgasmed and was called beautiful by Thomas he just couldn’t hold it in.

“No, it’s fine. Are you hurting? Do you want anything?” Thomas asked. Newt shook his head sniffing as he pulled away from Thomas a wiped his eyes.

“No. I just need this. Forget that I started to cry, go back to what we were doing, please. I want this, more than anything, please,” Newt begged weakly, moving to lay back down next to Thomas.

Thomas sighed softly but he didn’t protest. He moved to sit between Newt’s legs, watching the way Newt’s eyes moved over every inch of him. It was kind of weird knowing that Newt was looking him over, he hadn’t done that since their first kiss, and even then it had been a little weird. Now, it’s like he was memorizing every little curve of his skin.

“Newt,” Thomas whispered, placing his hands on Newt’s knees and drawing his eyes back up to meet his.

“Yes?”

“You sure you want to do this?”

“Yes. I want you to fuck me, look at me, kiss me, and remind me what it’s like to be in love with you, because I am. I’m in love with you Thomas and I just want to be reminded what our love feels like. Forget all the meaningless sex, forget today, and just focus on us. I want you to think of just us, the way our bodies lay together with such perfection, and the way our hands fit together like puzzle pieces. That’s what I want Thomas, can you do that for me?” Newt asked watching every move Thomas made, and hanging on to every shallow breath he took. It was like the only things that existed in this world were him and Thomas and that was exactly what Newt wanted.

“Okay,” Thomas replied, a soft smile forming on his lips as he leaned forward and kissed Newt. Their lips touched softly before he kissed his way down Newt’s chest making sure to leave long kisses on each rib and Newt’s belly button. Thomas wanted to make sure that Newt had the best orgasm of his life, so he wrapped his rough hands around Newt’s cock and started to pump slowly.

“Thomas,” Newt groaned, rolling his hips up in response to the thrusting.

“I got you, just relax,” Thomas promised. He couldn’t even begin to count the amount of time he had said that to Newt. He had whispered it in dark hospital rooms, and fluorescent bathrooms. But mainly spoke it out loud when Newt couldn’t go on. He had spoken it out loud to remind Newt that he doesn’t have to hold the weight of the world on his shoulders. Thomas said these five words whenever Newt needed him and wouldn’t admit it because he was too proud, like now. Now, Newt needed Thomas and even if he had said it, he wasn’t going to let him forget that he was going to take care of him till the end of time.

“Okay,” Newt muttered, relaxing his body and closing his eyes.

Thomas watched as Newt relaxed into his touch. He let out a low sigh of pleasure before leaning down to take Newt into his mouth. This time he made sure to hold Newt’s hips down because if not Newt would buck and the last time he had done that Thomas had gagged and then proceeded to dry heave for about ten minutes. Minho had thought it was hilarious but Thomas thought it was the worst thing ever, so he held Newt down.

“Tommy, don’t! Just get me off, I want to fuck!” Newt cried, trying to buck his hips. Thomas was great with his hands and all but his mouth was like paradise. If Newt died tomorrow he wanted to live in a heaven where Thomas was always giving him blowjobs.

“I know, but I thought you’d like it if I blew you a little,” Thomas explained as he sat up. He moved back a little and put on the condom before checking to make sure Newt was still well lubed.

“I’m fine just get in me,” Newt snapped a little more angrily than he intended. Thomas just rolled his eyes and started to guide his tip to Newt’s hole. For a moment he just sat there with his tip at Newt’s entrance watching the way Newt flexed trying to get him inside.

“Okay I’m starting,” Thomas stated, before starting to slide his tip into Newt, who immediately let out a moan. Thomas smiled watching Newt’s body eagerly press down on his cock. It was always kind of a beautiful sight seeing Newt, the most dominating person in the world, let him fuck him. It was kind of rewarding to know that Newt wanted to be taken by Thomas because it meant that he trusted him. Okay, maybe it didn’t quite mean that, but Thomas felt like that.

“Move” Newt whined, drawing Thomas back to reality. Thomas nodded quickly as he started to roll his hips, his eyes locking on Newt’s. Newt reached up and touched Thomas’ chest, grabbing and trying to pull him closer, but his arms weren’t quite long enough. Luckily, Thomas noticed and was able to lean forward so their lips touched.

Newt drove the kiss as he bit down on Thomas’ lip to gain access. This drew a groan of pleasure from Thomas as he allowed Newt access into his mouth. Newt made sure to run his tongue along Thomas before running it along every tooth. He had memorized the layout of Thomas’ mouth years ago, sometime between their first apartment and Thomas’ second job to be exact. But, he still liked to kiss Thomas and try to find something new, like how he didn’t realize Thomas back left molar didn’t have as deep of a groove and his one on the right, or how Thomas tongue was wider than Newt’s. He wanted to discover everything he could about Thomas because Thomas was his greatest joy.

“Newt,” Thomas whispered into Newt’s mouth.

“Yes?”

“I love you,” He muttered rocking his hips just a little faster. “I love you no matter what. Despite the drugs, the alcohol, all the meaningless sex. It doesn’t matter. I love you. I love you and your visible ribs, your protruding hips, I love it all. Newt you’re the most beautiful thing on the face of this planet and I know you're hurting but don’t think about it. Think about how far you’ve come, because it is a miracle. You are a miracle, an angel on this earth, and I love you. Let me take your pain away, please. Please let me help you don’t hold all this pain in, please. I love you,” Thomas said, looking Newt dead in the eye, his hips slowing as he stared at Newt.

“Thomas,” Newt muttered looking up at him, their lips inches apart.

“I know you want me to move right,” muttered moving to sit up, but Newt was too fast for him, grabbing him and pulling him back down into a kiss. Thomas was a little shocked especially when Newt rocked his hips. With their lips connected they could come together, or that’s how Newt had always liked it.

“Come on I’m so close I want to feel it together,” Newt whispered against Thomas’ lips before kissing him again. Thomas groaned in agreement, moving quicker and quicker until he buried himself deep inside Newt. The warm feeling of Newt’s cum splashed against his stomach as they both orgasmed.

“Fuck,” Thomas groaned pulling away from Newt and getting up to dispose the condom.

“That is what we did,” Newt joked, watching as Thomas moved to the trash can and then joined him on the bed. He was quick to pull Newt so that his head was resting against Thomas’ chest. Newt sighed, taking a deep breath and smiling at the sweet scent of Thomas and him mixed together.

“How do you feel?” Thomas asked. Newt shrugged, not really feeling much of anything besides happiness and joy, but that is not what Thomas was asking. Thomas was asking if his stomach hurt, if he felt like vomiting, or anything else that cancer patients felt like when they overexerted themselves.

“I just feel happy and tired,” Newt explained, as he reached under himself to get under the covers. Thomas followed suit, pulling the covers over himself and Newt. Their naked bodies molding to one another as they took slow and steady breaths attempting to calm down from the high.

“Well if you're tired then we should sleep. Do you need any water or anything?” Thomas asked. Newt just shook his head no, pressing as close as he could to Thomas without stifling the man.

“I just want to lay here with you,” Newt muttered through his yawn. Thomas nodded kissing Newt’s forehead.

“Goodnight,” Thomas muttered.

“Goodnight Thomas, I love you,” Newt whispered placing a kiss on Thomas’ collarbone, his eyelids heavy. He really was tired, exhausted actually, but that was okay because he could sleep as long as he wanted because the band didn’t have plans till tomorrow at three.

“I love you too,” Thomas whispered, holding Newt until the two of them drifted off to dreamland.


	3. 10:37 A.M. Saturday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thomas wakes up to a nightmare.

Thomas had no idea what was happening, all he knew was that someone was screaming. In fact that someone was Newt. Newt had managed to get out of bed and was now on the floor lying in a puddle of his own puke. No, it wasn’t puke, it was a mixture of puke and blood.

“Minho!” Thomas yelled scrambling out of the bed and running to Newt’s side. Newt reached up, grabbing Thomas’ hand trying his best to crack a smile and mutter he was okay, but every word came out strained and high pitched. They were garbage, and Thomas didn’t care he just nodded in agreement with whatever noise that came out of Newt’s mouth.

“Minho!” Thomas yelled just as the door flew open and Minho came in, followed by paramedics. He quickly moved Thomas to the bed and sat down with him, looking him in the eye.

“Calm down, you being all worked up doesn’t help Newt. They are going to take him to the hospital, we can meet them there okay?” Minho asked, looking at Thomas who nodded. Thomas felt so numb watching as they moved Newt onto one of the rolling beds. He was still screaming, and crying in pain. He looked so pale, Thomas couldn’t help but wonder when this had happened, how this had happened? Everything was so perfect last night, minus Newt’s little freak out in the dressing room he had seemed fine.

“Thomas,” Minho snapped, waving his hand in front of Thomas face. Thomas’ head jerked up to look at Minho not even aware of the words he had said. Thomas just nodded, watching as the paramedics started out of the door with Newt muttering something about his eyes having a yellow tint. That couldn’t be good, it probably meant something was wrong with Newt’s stomach. But, that wasn’t unusual, something was always wrong with Newt’s stomach. So, what was happening now? Why so suddenly?

“Thomas?” Minho asked, taking his hand. “Come on let’s get dressed and head out. I’ve already woken Aris, he’s taking care of getting us there and keeping Newt out of the public eye. We’ve canceled the show tonight so all we have to do is worry about Newt, okay?” Minho asked, carefully. He didn’t want to make Thomas worry, he just wanted to get the both of them two the hospital as fast as humanly possible.

“Okay,” Thomas muttered, moving to get dressed. In all honesty Thomas had no idea how he got dressed in clothes that matched, maybe it was because blue jeans went with everything, but Thomas couldn’t be sure. He was dressed and ready before Aris had them a car, which left Thomas and Minho sitting on the couch, waiting. It was an anxious kind of waiting. The kind of waiting that makes your skin burn, your forehead sweat, and your feet twitch in anticipation. It’s the kind of anxiety that holds your breath captive in your chest making you choke for air. You want to take a deep breath but your lungs feel like they are on fire, and if you breathe in too much air they will explode. It won’t be pretty because then you will just be a sniveling mess on the floor, and Thomas couldn’t be that right now. Right now Thomas needed to be strong. He needed to be the strongest person on the face of the planet, because that’s what Newt needed. Newt needed a rock.

“Car’s here,” Aris stated, letting himself into the room. Minho was on his feet quickly, glancing at Thomas as he stood, ready to leave. Thomas just followed his actions, not really feeling any of the movement, he just wanted to be there for Newt.

“They’ve taken him into surgery so it’s okay that we aren’t there right now,” Aris explained calmly, placing his hand on Thomas shoulder. Thomas just nodded, not really sure how to feel about that. If Newt was in surgery that means something bad had happened. What if they couldn’t save him? Thomas had watched enough Grey's Anatomy with Newt to know that sometimes you can’t save the person who is on the table. He could practically hear Meredith talking about it in the back of his mind. It was almost calming to imagine this moment as a moment in a television show, because those people were not real. They were made up fictional characters who, at the end of the day, were being portrayed by actors. They got to live, and so would Newt. Newt was going to be one of the people who lived at the end of the day. He had beaten the cancer, he had beaten his limp. Newt was strong and there was nothing that anyone could say to make Thomas think otherwise.

The car ride was quiet. No one spoke, which left Thomas to think about all the good things that had happened to him and Newt. Like the night they had their first kiss. It was back, before Newt had gotten cancer, back before they were in a band. It was back when Thomas and Newt thought that the only thing that mattered in the world was each other, passing classes, and getting the hell out of their parents’ house. By that time Minho had found Aris, and the two had made plans to be together forever which left Newt and Thomas with each other.

“Can you believe it?” Newt muttered, laying in Thomas’ lap, looking up at the stars. Everything had come down to this moment, the night before graduation. Both of them had turned eighteen during the year and they had become real adults. Well, as real of an adult as you can be while living under your parents’ roof.

“Not really,” Thomas muttered with a sigh, as he watched the sky waiting for another shooting star. So far he had wished for happiness and success. It was weird to think that this was how he had chosen to spend his last night as a high schooler. He had never imagined it being him and Newt sitting on the roof making wishes about their future.

“Well, this is it. Starting tomorrow we are real adults, which means college,” Newt said, with an almost disappointed tone. Thomas knew that Newt didn’t want to go to college, in fact all three of them didn’t want to go. Him, Minho and Newt just wanted to make music. They had formed a band, and had started playing small clubs around town but they weren’t famous, and that wasn’t going to pay the bills so they were at least going to try college.

“Look!” Thomas explaimed, pointing as a shooting star moved across the sky slowly. The two of them squeezed their eyes tight, each making a wish.

“Good?” Newt asked, looking up at Thomas. Thomas nodded with a smile as he went back to playing with this hair.

“So, real adults,” Thomas muttered, leaning back against his chimney a little more.

“Yep,” Newt said, rolling to look at Thomas and not the sky.

“It’s kind of weird to think I’m a real adult who’s never been kissed,” Thomas admitted.

“Oh really? The great Thomas Green has never been kissed? What a crime,” He teased, sitting up and moving to sit next to Thomas.

“Yeah. I mean there was this one time at a party, but I don’t really count it. I wanted it to be with someone special you know? Someone I like. Someone like...someone like you, Newt,” Thomas said softly.

“What was that last part?” Newt asked, with a wicked smirk. It was a smirk Thomas had never seen in his life, because he would have remembered the fear that it instilled in him.

“I want you to be my first kiss,” Thomas said, with as much confidence as he could muster.

Newt looked Thomas up and down before leaning over and kissing Thomas. It was probably the most unexpected thing Thomas had ever had happen to him. He was pretty sure that Newt would do it, but somewhere deep inside he didn’t expect it. Yet, here they were, sitting on the roof of Thomas house, about to be real adults, kissing. It wasn’t just kissing, it was making out. Thomas had exploded like a bomb the minute Newt’s lips touched his. He grabbed his shoulders and leaned in, parting his lips so Newt could take his mouth. He wanted Newt to dominate him in every way. He wanted Newt to take every first from him, and he didn’t care how, he just knew that he wanted it. He wanted it so badly, that it hurt. It ached the same way it ached when you held your breath for too long.

“Newt,” Thomas whimpered when Newt pulled away, looking at Thomas with that smirk. God Thomas hated it. He had seen it on him in so many occasions that it made him mad now to see it turned against him.

“Not bad for your first time, Tommy. You know maybe, if things go over well after tonight, we could go on a date sometime,” Newt stated. Thomas’ jaw dropped and Newt laughed, of course. Of course he would laugh but it wasn’t a mean laugh it was a joyous laugh, the sound an angel might make.

“Hey don’t laugh at me. I mean I was just surprised you wanted to go out with me, what happened to going out with Alby?” Thomas asked.

“Oh Alby is aromatic and asexual, it was kind of just a test, he was trying to see if he really wanted to be with people in a romantic or sexual way, didn’t work. More power to him, honestly I love people too much to not want to be with someone,” Newt explained. Thomas blinked, it was almost as if Newt was speaking a different language.

“A what?” Thomas asked.

“Oh that’s right you're not a part of GSA are you?”

“No,” Thomas said, leaning back against his chimney again.

“Well an asexual person is someone who doesn’t feel the need to have sex, same with an aromatic who doesn’t feel the need to have a romantic relationship, of course this can vary and some people who are aromatic or asexual do get in relationships or have sex, it just depends on the person,” Newt explained.

“I see,” Thomas said. “Well you know that’s all very good and well but I honestly wasn’t planning to talk about Alby when I told you I wanted to kiss you, so this is definitely not how I expected this to go,” Thomas said with a sigh..

“Well you’re still a high schooler so someone has to teach you something,” Newt joked, nudging Thomas before leaning over and kissing him again. This one was a little softer, because neither of them were really attacking the other. They were both just testing the waters, trying to get a good feeling for how this kissing thing would go with each other. Too bad for them Thomas’ mom came out and caught them kissing.

She promptly sent Newt home and sat Thomas down on the couch to have a long conversation with him about kissing boys. That had been one of the last conversations he had with his mother about kissing boys.

They arrived at the hospital and Thomas was ushered to some secluded waiting room, where Aris and Minho sat together leaving Thomas sitting alone. They weren’t there for long before a doctor came in to talk to them.

“I’m not quite sure who I should be addressing but we went into remove part of Mr. Isaac’s small intestine but we soon found out that many of his gastric pits are not secreting mucous. He can be put on a transplant list but with the cancer-”

“Cancer?” Thomas asked.

“Yes, his stage four stomach cancer, puts him at the bottom of the list and he will die before he gets the stomach,” The doctor explained.

“But Newt told me-”

“He lied,” Minho blurted out. “Newt lied, Thomas. He stopped the treatments because it made him sick, he saw how much it worried you, and he stopped. That stupid shuckface gave himself a death sentence just so he could spend that time with you, without being the cancer kid,” Minho explained.

“That’s stupid,” Thomas muttered.

“Of course it is. But he didn’t listen to me. You know, Thomas, he’s my friend to and he fucking swore me to secrecy so that you wouldn’t be hurt. He didn’t want you to try and stop him and see where it got him. Damn it!” Minho snapped turning to walk away from the group. “I should have told you. I should have fucking told you!” Minho yelled, shoving over one of the chairs.

“Look, it seems the three of you have a lot to talk about, but if you want, Mr. Isaac is in recovery and-”

“I want to see him. I want to see him now so take me to him,” Thomas demanded.

“Wait Thomas,” Aris said, grabbing Thomas by the arm.

“You can’t go till you’re calm okay. If you go in there all upset and mad you might say something you don’t mean okay,” Aris explained calmly. Thomas looked at Aris with a face of disgust.

“How the hell are you so calm right now?” He snapped.

“Because Thomas, this isn’t news to me. Hell we all knew this was coming because Newt’s stupid. He placed your happiness over his wellbeing, forgive me for not being so upset over it. He’s fucking stupid, so either calm the fuck down or don’t go see him,” Aris stated firmly.

“Fuck you,” Thomas snapped before pulling away from his hold. “Take me to Newt,” Thomas said firmly, before following after the nurse.

Newt was hooked up to quite a few machines. He had some type of tube in his stomach, another on in his hand, and some type of breathing machine. It was just terrible looking. He was pale and his breathing was shallow. His eyes rolled from open to close and when he noticed Thomas he tried to speak but his words came out as gibberish.

“Don’t speak just listen, okay. I want you to know that I’m mad, and I mean that but I’m going to be here for you no matter what. We’re going to get through this and you’re not going to die before the new stomach gets here okay?” Thomas asked, sitting next to Newt and taking his hand. He hadn’t seen Newt look this bad since he had started the chemo.

When Newt had been on the chemo he was thin, a little yellow, no hair, cranky, and all those things that made him almost unbearable at times, but Thomas wasn’t going to leave him. Minho got annoyed with him and went to spent more time with Aris. Alby was busy with his music and all their other friends had lives outside of Newt. Thomas didn’t. Thomas and Newt had moved in together not too long after the end of high school because Thomas’ mom kept trying to tell him he was wrong. So he left and went to live with Newt.

That’s when the two of them really go close. They scraped by with Newt working at a floral shop and Thomas working at the library. It was miserable, but they made it work and that’s what mattered. Thomas had done everything to make sure that Newt got to and from treatment whenever he could, because that’s what boyfriends do. They helped one another through the rough times. 

Granted, Newt was the hardest person to deal with, but that never stopped Thomas. He only found himself crying in the shower every now and then when Newt got bad news or had a really bad day. On those days Newt usually ended up in the hospital because he was vomiting blood, feeling light headed, because his stomach just wasn’t working anymore. Thomas never knew what to do and it always seemed like everything was wrong on those days, so he cried. He cried in the hospital showers that didn’t do much for him but mask his crying. 

Maybe that’s when Newt realized that Thomas was miserable. Maybe that’s why he decided to stop the treatment. Thomas wasn’t sure but he knew that it was his fault, no matter what anyone said, especially Newt.

“Mum and dad. Coming?” Newt slurred. Thomas looked at him and shrugged.

“I’m not sure, but I think Aris will call them. Did you know he doesn't care? He says this is what you get for giving up on the chemo,” Thomas explained. Newt laughed, well it sounded like a laugh, but then again Newt was heavily medicated and there wasn’t much that Thomas could make out when he spoke, just his name every now and then. Even then it was hard because Newt kept switching from Thomas to Tommy which made Thomas worry. Newt hardly called him Thomas only when he really wanted his attention, because it would always catch him off guard. 

“Thomas, Newt’s parents are here,” Aris finally said after about three hours. They had been lucky to return home for the last two stops of their tour. Maybe this was what Newt wanted, maybe he knew.

“He’s asleep,” Thomas muttered, standing up and walking out of the room to go back to the waiting area. Aris sighed and let Newt’s parents in before following after Thomas and sitting with him and Minho in the waiting room.

“How long?” Thomas asked.

“How long what?’ Minho asked, his voice deep.

“How long have you two known that this was happening?” Thomas asked, pulling his knees up in the chair and holding them close to his chest. He felt like his body was going to fall apart if he didn’t hold onto something.

“Since he stopped treatment. He told us before then, made us swear not to tell you, dumb shank,” Minho muttered, facing away from the two of them.

“Why would he do that?”

“He was sick Thomas. Didn’t you see that?” Aris asked. “He was sick of being sick and sick of the chemo that was messing with his brain. He wanted to spend the little amount of time he had left with you. He wanted to remember it and damn it now…” Aris stopped, his voice shaking as it caught in his throat. “Now he’s going to die, and we can’t stop that,” He said finally.

“Don’t talk like that!” Thomas snapped.

“Shut up Thomas. You have no fucking clue what you’re talking about. He is going to die, his stomach stopped producing lining years ago and now his stomach acid is eating away at his stomach. He’s in pain, and the only humane thing to do is to let him go. Fuck, he’ll be jacked up on morphine but th- that is how Newt would want to go. That fucking fuck face,’ Aris snapped, tears now falling from his eyes. Thomas shook his head looking away from the crying boy.

“Goddamn it,” Minho snapped, getting up and walking over to Aris. He put his arms around his waist before pulling him close.

“It’s okay. Things will be better soon. Yeah Newt will be dead, but he won’t be suffering,” Minho explained, his voice calm.

“Don’t say that. Don’t talk about Newt like he is a lost cause because he isn’t!” Thomas snapped, standing up. “I don’t know about you two, but I’m going to be with Newt till the very end because I love him and if you two can’t do that then you need to leave. I don’t care if you are his friends I don’t think he’d want you here if you doubt him,” Thomas said, his voice low but firm.

“Shut your fucking mouth, you have no right to tell us what he would want. You’re such an oblivious piece of shit you didn’t even see this coming!” Aris snapped, pulling away from Minho to look at Thomas.

“He told me he was fine,” Thomas muttered looking down. Aris wasn’t wrong, Thomas hadn’t seen this coming. Thomas knew that Newt was sick, or had been sick, so why didn’t he think about this. Why didn’t he see it coming? Maybe because he trusted Newt to tell him when things went wrong. But then again he should have known that wasn’t going to happen because Newt was too proud to do things like that.

“Look, both of you stop. This is the last thing Newt would want,” Minho barked, pulling Aris back to him. “So we all have a few problems with this, but he’s dying. We need to stop trying to place the blame on each other and be here for Newt and his parents,” Minho said. Aris nodded before resting his head on Minho’s shoulder and closing his eyes.

“Okay,” Thomas whispered, sinking back down into the chair. His body still feel like it was falling apart so he once again pulled his knees to his chest and held them.

There was some stupid kids movie on in their little private waiting room. Thomas was ignoring it and the disgusting image of Aris and Minho holding each other as they seemed to take turns crying. It wasn’t usually a sick sight, just this time. Just this time because Thomas couldn’t do that with Newt. He would never be able to do that with Newt.


	4. 2:37 P.M. Saturday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thomas and the rest of his friends wait to see if they will get good news.

“Mr. Isaac is awake and is requesting a Mr. Thomas Green,” a nurse said, walking into their room. Thomas let himself unfold before standing up and following her. They had moved Newt out of the temporary ICU room and into a private one.

“Hey Tommy,” Newt muttered. His skin seemed to be getting more yellow as time went on.

“Newt,” Thomas muttered, stepping closer and closer until he could touch Newt. His hand tracing slow and delicate lines along his arm before gripping his hand.

“They’re gonna be takin’ me to another surgery soon. They found me another stomach. Apparently I didn’t end up at the bottom of the transplant list,” Newt explained with a smirk as he gave Thomas hand a weak squeeze.

“That’s great news Newt!” Thomas exclaimed. Newt just shrugged, closing his eyes and licking his lips.

“I’m so thirsty but they won’t give me water. They said I’m not allowed to have anything to eat or drink, which isn’t much of a problem. I didn’t have anything to eat or drink before coming here anyways,” he explained before finally opening his eyes again.

“Yeah because we were asleep,” Thomas muttered, biting down on his lip. The tension in the air could be cut with a knife, but Thomas couldn’t bring himself to get mad at Newt or say anything to Newt about how upset he was because now just wasn’t the time.

“Do you think you could eat for me?” Newt asked.

“What do you mean?”

“You and Minho and Aris. Can you guys eat for me? Go eat, you know” Newt said with a smile. Thomas nodded before he gave Newt’s hand a squeeze.

“We can do that. What do you want us to eat?” He asked.

“Cheeseburgers. Even though Aris is lactose intolerant I want you guys to do that. He doesn’t have to get cheese on his burger, he just has to eat one,” Newt explained, running his tongue over his lips once again.

“We will do our best. Is McDonalds okay because I think that Minho had said something about sending someone to get McDonalds for us,” Thomas said. It wasn’t a lie, while he had been ignoring the actions of the couple he hadn’t blocked out their conversation when it came to food, probably because that included him.

“Good. Also, Tommy, I love you,” Newt murmured.

“I love you too,” Thomas said, looking at Newt. There was no light behind his eyes, he looked dead. Which meant that Newt’s soul was dead and Thomas wasn’t sure if he could take that.

Newt had the most beautiful soul Thomas had ever seen. He was so kind and loving, yet he always wanted to go and do things. It was what really made Thomas love him. Granted, the sex was nice, but nothing beat just lying in bed with Newt and talking. Nothing beat feeling Newt card his fingers through Thomas’ hair as he talked about nothing and everything. It was some of Thomas’ favorite memories of them, because it showed they loved each other. It showed they didn’t base their relationship on sex, they based it on love.

“If I die-”

“Stop.”

“If I die Tommy” Newt insisted. “I want you to know that I love you. I want you to remember that. Don’t be mad at me for not telling you, just focus on the joy it brought you. That’s how I got through it,” Newt explained before closing his eyes again. “I’m tired,” He added.

“I can go,” Thomas said, not really wanting to leave Newt.

“Don’t. I’m not done explaining myself to you,” Newt said, opening his eyes lazily.

“Okay, I’m listening,” Thomas replied squeezing Newt’s hand in his.

“I never wanted to tell you because I would lose you. I mean you’d be there but, I would have lost your essence. The hardest part of dying Tommy isn’t the pain, it isn’t the being sick, it’s losing you,” Newt whispered.

“Is that why you wrote the song Cancer?” Thomas asked, his voice a little hard. Last night was when Newt had them premiere the song and now Thomas was starting to see that Newt knew this was coming.

“Exactly. That song is my goodbye Tommy,” Newt muttered his eyes drifting closed again.

“Newt,” Thomas muttered, looking at the heart monitor. The heart monitor was giving a steady beating signaling the life of the boy. Thomas let out a sigh of relief as he stood there holding Newt’s hand until the doctors came in and made him leave.

When Thomas returned to the waiting room, Alby had showed up with Teresa, Brenda, Ben, Jeff, Winston, and Gally. They all looked at him when he walked in, each of them holding their breath in anticipation waiting to hear what Thomas had to say.

“They just took him in for another surgery,” He explained. Everyone nodded before going back to talking amongst themselves. Thomas looked at them all before clearing his throat. “Newt wants us to eat cheeseburgers,” he said, everyone turned to face him. “You know for good luck,” he explained.

“We can do that,” Aris said. “We were going to have people bring us food anyways and if Newt wants us to eat cheeseburgers then we should do it, for his sake,” He muttered softly. Thomas smiled as he sank down into a chair. He felt more tired than he should have. Yeah, he hadn’t really slept but that’s not why he felt so tired. He felt like this place, this hospital, was draining him of all his life.

Aris walked over and sat down next to Thomas before taking his hand and smiling at him. Thomas nodded before sinking further into the chair so he could rest his head on the semi-soft pink backing.

“Do you want to lay down on the couch?” Aris asked. “I can make Brenda and Teresa move,” He said.

“No, I just want to sit here and think,” Thomas commented.

“Maybe if you lay down you could rest or think better?” he suggested before starting to get up. Thomas sighed, letting Aris go run Brenda and Teresa off the couch before following after him and plopping down to rest on the couch.

“Here,” Aris said, slipping out of Minho’s jacket and throwing it over Thomas.

“I want you to rest,” Aris started, running his fingers through Thomas’ hair and giving him a soft smile. “Rest until the food gets here okay?” He asked. Thomas sighed but nodde,d letting his eyes close. 

The nap was short lived because Rachel showed up with their food. It was three McDonalds bags filled with cheeseburgers and fries for everyone. Alby took everyone’s drink orders and walked with Rachel to get the drinks for the group. Everyone started to swarm towards the bag of food, except for Thomas. Thomas lay there on that blue and white couch just watching the scene. Thinking about how if Newt died no one would be as hurt as he was.

Everyone knew, but him. Everyone had had a chance to make peace with the reality but Thomas. He felt cheated. He felt lied to, because he had been. Newt swore he was okay, and now Thomas might lose him. 

“You got to eat,” Minho explained, offering Thomas a cheeseburger.

“I’m not hungry.”

“Didn’t your shuckface say that it was for good luck? I don’t know anyone on the face of the planet who is luckier than you Thomas. Now, sit up, stop moping about, and eat the damn burger,” Minho snapped tossing the yellow wrapped morsel onto his chest. 

“Fine,” Thomas muttered, sitting up. He scooted over so Minho and Aris could sit with him.

“Good that, now I expect you to eat at least six. You gotta eat three for yourself and three for Newt, kay?” Minho asked, with a grin. Thomas could tell he was trying. It was nice, that someone was trying to look out for him, since Newt had not.

“I don’t think I can eat six, but I will try,” Thomas commented, as happily as he could. His eyes drifted over to the clock as he took his first bite of the burger he was given.

“Stop looking at the clock,” Minho added. Thomas let out an aggravated sigh but turned to look at him. 

“I can’t help it I’m worried. They have him laying open on some table bleeding. They are trying to give him another stomach! What if it doesn’t work? You can’t survive without a stomach Minho!” Thomas snapped before shoving four or five fries in his mouth.

The room was quiet, everyone knew that Thomas was having an extremely hard time coping with this, so there wasn’t much else to say.

“He’s going to be fine,” Teresa finally said from her seat next to Brenda.

“You don’t know that,” Thomas muttered through his mouthful of food.

“No. I don’t. But I have faith in him. Don’t you?” Teresa asked. “You saying it won’t work just puts more bad karma out there,” she explained.

“But he’s not the only one saying things like that,” Brenda stated looking at her girlfriend. “Minho’s been talking about it to Aris as well,” She explained. Thomas turned his head to look at Minho, whose head was down. 

“So really both of you are putting bad karma into the air,” Teresa said. Thomas looked back at the two girls and shook his head before focusing back on his second burger. It was gross, but then again McDonalds was always gross. He never complained because Newt loved it.

“I’m sorry,” Minho muttered, looking at Thomas. “I just, want to be prepared you know?” He asked. Thomas shrugged. The air had gone from tense to awkward, and no one really had a way to change it, so Thomas just left.

He left his food and his friends and made his way out of the hospital. The sun had just started to set as he perched on one of the benches by the entrance. He felt sick to his stomach with worry and grief. This wasn’t fair. He loved Newt with all his heart, but the prospect of losing him forever was horrifying.


	5. 10:37 P.M. Saturday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thomas spends as much time with Newt as he can before it's too late.

Thomas sat outside until the sun had completely set and the mosquitoes started to bite at his flesh. By the time he returned Minho was able to inform him that Newt was in the recovery wing and asking for him.

So here he sat in the recovery wing watching Newt sleep with his red puffy eyes. It seemed like the words were a fatal blow to Thomas heart.

The surgery didn’t work. His body is rejecting the stomach. He doesn't have much longer.

“Tommy,” Newt croaked, rolling so he could see him. 

“I’m here,” Thomas whispered reaching to touch him. He was so yellow, and so thin, Thomas wasn’t sure if he even recognized him. 

“Will you sing to me?” Newt muttered.

“You know I don’t sound good when I sing,” he whispered. 

“Then sing with me,” Newt muttered, licking his lips and swallowing what Thomas could only imagine as dust. 

“What do you want to sing?” Thomas asked pressing his lips to Newt’s hand. There was silence for a moment at Newt racked his brain of all the songs he knew. 

“I want to sing you a goodbye,” Newt finally admitted. “So don’t sing with me, you suck Tommy. I don’t know why I asked you to-” He paused squinting his eyes as he grabbed his stomach. A low whine escaped his lips.

“Newt,” Thomas asked quickly. “Do you need something? Should I get someone?” Newt shook his head waving his hand around. 

“No. No. Just- fuck ow,” Newt gasped reaching for Thomas hand. For five minutes they sat like this with pain written all over Newt’s face.

“Okay, it’s passed,” Newt groaned, opening his eyes. 

“Do you want me to get them to give you more morphine or anything?” Thomas asked. 

“No,” He said softly looking at Thomas. There was nothing but worry on Thomas face and for once in Newt’s life he felt ashamed. He felt ashamed for lying to Thomas about his condition and for making him go through all of this. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, looking down. 

“For what?” Thomas asked, reaching out and tilting Newt’s chin up to him. 

“For doing this to you. Please, I need you to forgive me,” Newt muttered through the tears that had started to spill from his eyes.

“Don’t cry,” Thomas whispered, his voice shaky. He could feel himself starting to cry as well. This isn’t what he wanted. He didn’t want Newt to feel bad, this wasn’t his fault. He had cancer and no one could stop that.

“I’ll stop if you stop,” Newt joked wiping his tears on his gown. 

“Okay,” Thomas muttered nodding as he wiped his eyes, but the tears kept coming. He was going to lose Newt and that was a fact. This was the last few moment’s he would ever be spending with him.

“Lay with me,” Newt begged, pulling on Thomas’ hand. Thomas nodded as Newt moved over for him. He crawled up into bed with him and wrapped his arms around Newt and they lay there. They lay there crying and whispering sweet nothings, because soon they would mean nothing. 

“I love you Tommy. I love you so much and I should have told you sooner. You deserved to know, but I didn’t want you to always be sad. I wanted you to be happy as long as possible. I was selfish.”

“No you weren’t. It was kind of you to want that. You’re the most thoughtful person in the world Newt, and I love you for that. No matter what I will always love you for that,” He said, kissing Newt’s sweat drenched hair. Their bodies felt hot against one another but Newt was shivering.

“Turn away,  
If you could get me a drink  
Of water 'cause my lips are chapped and faded  
Call my aunt Marie  
Help her gather all my things  
And bury me in all my favorite colors,  
My sisters and my brothers, still,  
I will not kiss you,  
'Cause the hardest part of this is leaving you.”

“Newt,” Thomas whispered, feeling his tears build up again. Even in this state Newt still sounded like an angel. His voice all cracked and raw made his whole body shake with a desire to hold him tighter, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t hold Newt any tighter because he would break him and if he broke Newt then there would be no .0001 percent chance of him living through this. So he just listened.

“Now turn away,  
'Cause I'm awful just to see  
'Cause all my hairs abandoned all my body,  
Oh, my agony,  
Know that I will never marry,  
Baby, I'm just soggy from the chemo  
But counting down the days to go  
It just ain't living  
And I just hope you know”

Beep. Beep. Beep.

“That if you say  
Goodbye today  
I'd ask you to be true”

Beep.

Beep.

Beep.

“Cause the hardest part of this is leaving you.”

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all enjoyed the fic. The end song is Cancer by MCR.


End file.
